Caring for Anger
Anger is an interesting emotion. Silent or loud, anger is powerful. Sometimes our anger can come out of nowhere, and other times it can creep up on us until it’s quietly thrown our perspective completely off course. If we look at our difficult feelings with eyes of compassion, we can see that our anger is very similar to a small child, crying out and making a fuss for reassurance. If mama is skillful, she’ll gently take her child into her arms, lovingly listen to what’s upsetting them, and attentively observe what the child is expressing as she tries figure out what is wrong. We can provide ourselves with this soothing tenderness anytime we notice our anger rising up in thoughts, speech, or actions. Our anger is there to indicate a part of us needs love and deep listening, so when we embrace our anger in a loving, attentive way, we can feel relief from our frustration right away.
Breathing, walking, and writing mindfully are great ways to stay connected to the present moment when we feel our angry feelings start to take hold.
We hold space for anger without getting overwhelmed, looking at what conditions are responsible for such a powerful emotional experience.
We hold space for anger without getting overwhelmed, looking at what conditions are responsible for such a powerful emotional experience.
Understanding the Roots of Our Anger
After we’ve soothed our angry feelings and settled into a calm state, we can look deeply into our anger to see what conditions contributed to it manifesting in us. We may find ourselves angry at another person, a situation, or at ourselves! If we’re having trouble with another person, that person may be reflecting something that actually reminds us of something less positive about ourselves. If we’re upset by a situation, maybe we’re really frustrated by our perspective, lack of flexibility, or forgotten appreciation. As for anger with ourselves, we can best improve with loving reassurance, not destructive criticism. With compassion, understanding, and gentle love, we can remedy our angry feelings into insightful ones. Maybe we’re rightfully angry about an injustice or betrayal, and by noticing this we can simmer our anger down to positive and actionable energy so we can honor our true feelings without contributing more stress and violence to the situation. It may take some time to look at things deeply, but the peace and understanding we gain from doing so makes it worthwhile.
Understanding Anger in One Simple Question
When we are angry, to find the root of our anger, all we have to do is ask,
“What am I afraid of?”
Who is Our Enemy?
When we face discrimination, injustice, or conflict, it can be easy to view certain people as our enemy. Our real enemy isn’t other people, it’s ignorance. The roots of discrimination, conflict, and war are found in our attachment to views and in our incomplete perceptions. With mindfulness, we can look deeply into our own ways of thinking and the way we look at the world so we may transform our hurt feelings, anger, and other misperceptions into
love and compassion.
love and compassion.
Calming Defensive Feelings
We must try to be aware of any kind of defensiveness within us. What are we defending? Perhaps we feel attached to how things should be, how we think others should act, or to another kind of personal belief. Maybe we feel afraid and that’s creating some defensiveness in us. Fear of failure, fear of loss, fear of being hurt, fear of abandonment may all create defensiveness in us, but it is much more challenging to think, act, and speak mindfully when we feel defensive. When we look into the reason for our defensiveness, whether it’s a compulsory need to be right or some sort of emotional reason, we can reduce the strength of our defensive feelings by looking deeply within to see where they stem from. The more we’re able to let go of our attachments so we may honor what is and accept the Now, the more we’ll be free of frustration, pain, and suffering.