Gaslighting (10 things to look out for)

Gaslighting is a term to describe a method of psychological manipulation in which one person makes another person question their reality. Gaslighting is more common than we may realize. This manipulation tactic is commonly used in unhealthy relationships, by people of power, and by people with narcissistic personality traits, but anyone can experience gaslighting. We can stand up to gaslighting more easily if we’re aware of it as a manipulation attempt versus accepting the gaslighting as truth or reality, so here are 10 common signs of a person using gaslighting:
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1. They tell blatant lies. Even if you know what they’re saying is false, it can still throw you off of your point or confuse you enough to make you feel unsure about your feelings.
2. They deny something they previously said. Even if you know you heard them say something, even if you have proof of what they said, they will outright deny it. This can cause you to doubt if you’re remembering correctly.
3. They use personal things against you. They attack what’s most important and what’s most dear to you. They may say something like: You would be a valuable person if you didn’t have this long list of negative traits. Attacking anything that is important to you or part of your identity is an attack on your foundation and core.
4. Their actions don’t match their words. If they promise you one thing and their actions don’t match, it could be gaslighting (it could also be unintentional, gaslighting is saying something with no intention of doing it or repetitively promising something with no follow-through). Look at their actions over their words.
5. They wear you down over time. Gaslighting can be hard to notice because it’s usually done gradually, over time. A hurtful comment here, a judgmental sneer there, one or two broken promises can lead to you feeling drained and depleted over time. Critical remarks can add up to negatively impact your confidence or self worth.
6. They inconsistently use positive reinforcement. They have been putting you down or saying hurtful things about something important to you, but then they offer a kind or positive remark about the same subject. This is confusing and can make you think that maybe they didn’t mean the negative remarks (people can make mistakes, but they should apologize and clarify any unskillful actions so you aren’t confused about how they feel. Gaslighting is when someone switches back and forth with positive and negative remarks without evolving their negative perspective). Often a gaslighter will praise things that you do that serve or benefit them, but insult or depreciate things that don’t directly serve them.
7. They project their feelings and issues onto you. They may accuse you of doing something that they do themselves, or they can insist you feel a certain way without asking you how you actually feel (this is often a reflection of how they feel themselves). This makes you defensive, is emotionally draining, and will distract you from staying focused on their own unskillful behavior.
8. They call you names or tell you you’re crazy if you’re emotional or upset. These kinds of put downs damage your self esteem, because they’re dismissive to how you’re feeling.
9. They downplay your relationships with other people. They say that the kind or positive things other people do/say to you aren’t true or done with good intentions. This can cause you to be uncertain of who you can trust.
10. They try to isolate you or align people against you. They make you feel bad about talking to other people. They say things about how other people could never tolerate you, or that people don’t want to listen or support you. This is a lie, and a tactic for them to feel in control of the situation by keeping you isolated.

If you realize that someone you know has been gaslighting you, you can feel more confident in seeing the truth and standing your ground against the manipulation. If you realize you’ve been gaslighting another person or someone accuses you of gaslighting, look deeply inside to check if this is true, and then meditate on why you’re trying using these hurtful tactics. Maybe you learned them from another person, maybe you feel defensive or insecure, or maybe you’re looking to control a situation. Whether you’re being gaslighted or you’re gaslighting someone else, being aware of it can help break the pattern of detrimental behavior. Choose kind, compassionate communication over critical, manipulative control in social situations.

These warning signs of gaslighting are referenced from Gaslighting: Recognize Manipulative and Abusive People, written by Stephanie Sarkis Ph.D.

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