Looking Into Our Expectations
It can be a helpful practice to frequently observe our expectations within our relationships. What do we expect from a friend? What qualities do we want to see in our romantic partner? What attributes matter to us in business relationships? What do we offer to those around us? Could we do more? Are we doing too much? We can gain great insight from mindfully inquiring into the truth of our relationship dynamics.
When someone offends us, we may find that our disappointment actually comes from our unreasonable expectations. Other people likely know nothing about what we expect of them, yet we hold them to a standard of closely matching our idea of what’s best. What’s common sense to us may be completely foreign to someone else. We’re all very different people with unique feelings, perceptions, ambitions, upbringings, cultures, and values. We can easily become distracted from acting skillfully, and sometimes we even get disconnected from understanding what we expect of ourselves; so we must be compassionate and patient when we’re trying to understand the expectations within a relationship.
When we use mindfulness to observe our expectations, we can see which are appropriate, and which are not so appropriate. Expecting someone to treat us respectfully is appropriate, but expecting someone to act perfectly and never make a mistake is unreasonable. When we honestly acknowledge our expectations, they may become more solid and sure (such as knowing we deserve healthy love), or we may find that they actually become more flexible (such as forgiving a mistake). Sometimes, we can benefit from lowering our expectations of others, so we may minimize our suffering when people act in a surprising manner. We also can benefit from elevating our expectations, especially regarding how we wish to be treated by others, and also in how we treat ourselves. Becoming more aware of our true needs will help us to free up energy that we previously would waste on frustration and hurt feelings. When we have clarity in our self-awareness, we can more clearly ask for what we need and have a greater chance of obtaining our goals successfully.
When someone offends us, we may find that our disappointment actually comes from our unreasonable expectations. Other people likely know nothing about what we expect of them, yet we hold them to a standard of closely matching our idea of what’s best. What’s common sense to us may be completely foreign to someone else. We’re all very different people with unique feelings, perceptions, ambitions, upbringings, cultures, and values. We can easily become distracted from acting skillfully, and sometimes we even get disconnected from understanding what we expect of ourselves; so we must be compassionate and patient when we’re trying to understand the expectations within a relationship.
When we use mindfulness to observe our expectations, we can see which are appropriate, and which are not so appropriate. Expecting someone to treat us respectfully is appropriate, but expecting someone to act perfectly and never make a mistake is unreasonable. When we honestly acknowledge our expectations, they may become more solid and sure (such as knowing we deserve healthy love), or we may find that they actually become more flexible (such as forgiving a mistake). Sometimes, we can benefit from lowering our expectations of others, so we may minimize our suffering when people act in a surprising manner. We also can benefit from elevating our expectations, especially regarding how we wish to be treated by others, and also in how we treat ourselves. Becoming more aware of our true needs will help us to free up energy that we previously would waste on frustration and hurt feelings. When we have clarity in our self-awareness, we can more clearly ask for what we need and have a greater chance of obtaining our goals successfully.
Mindful breathing can help us cultivate courage to politely state what we need from others.
We invite clarity into our awareness with our inhale, “I am here”,
and we use our exhale as a tool to strengthen our will so we actually follow through and apply the insights we’ve gained, “I am free.”
We invite clarity into our awareness with our inhale, “I am here”,
and we use our exhale as a tool to strengthen our will so we actually follow through and apply the insights we’ve gained, “I am free.”
Breathe to Avoid Misunderstandings
It’s easy to develop misperceptions about situations, other people, and even ourselves. We can prevent misunderstandings by taking a deep breath to center our body and mind before we engage with other people. It’s important to practice conscious breathing. When we’re aware of our breathing, we can notice any changes in our emotions that may prevent us from seeing the other person or situation clearly. If we notice our emotions becoming upset or distracting, we can return our awareness to the present moment by returning our attention to our breath, or we can politely excuse ourselves for a moment until we are have the emotional availability to fully listen in a calm and composed state. Staying connected to our breath keeps us engaged presently, frees our mind from opinions or other preconceived ideas, and best allows us to absorb the full essence what is being said.
Worrying About What Others Think
At times, we may become absorbed in caring about what other people think about us. We’ll try to predict how others perceive us, but often our predictions are incorrect. We can free ourselves from the pain of judgement or criticism by embodying our best self, knowing we cannot control the perspectives of other people. We cultivate confidence of self when we try our best, because we can fully trust our intentions to be good and present-minded. We can be mindful of our inner truths. We can be mindful of our outer actions.
When we harmonize our mind with our heart, criticism or rejection is not bothersome to our complete self.
"You're Partly Right"
Regarding Judgments
When anyone tells us what they think of us, regardless if that judgement is positive or negative, they cannot be fully right. They are partly right, because their observation of us is true to them; however, we are such big and complex people that it’s impossible for anyone (including ourselves) to truly see us in our entirety. Even when we hear praise from others, their compliments cannot fully recognize us. They are only partly right.
When we are offered criticism or judgement from others, we should not allow ourselves to become bothered by their perspective. Yes, we grow and improve when we can recognize our weak points and strengthen them, but we do not need to become depressed or paralyzed by anyone’s else’s opinions of us as a person. Sometimes people's opinions aren’t gentle or compassionate; but even in situations where criticism is offered kindly, it can only be partly right. In times where we act unskillfully, we are still much more than those moments. Perhaps our unfortunate conduct is a result of a negative emotional skill we’ve inherited from our family, or maybe it’s due to a fluctuation in our best energy or health. Even if others criticize something we resonate with (something we recognize needs adjusting) their assessment of us doesn’t fully define us.
We're constantly in a process of improving our skills and expanding our self awareness. We can never be fully defined, even by ourselves, because we're always changing. At times, we may only see our negative qualities, other times we may think that we’re so great that we’re left blind to any improvements we could be making. By reminding ourselves and other people that we can only be party right, we free ourselves from suffering within any inferiority or superiority complexes.
When we are offered criticism or judgement from others, we should not allow ourselves to become bothered by their perspective. Yes, we grow and improve when we can recognize our weak points and strengthen them, but we do not need to become depressed or paralyzed by anyone’s else’s opinions of us as a person. Sometimes people's opinions aren’t gentle or compassionate; but even in situations where criticism is offered kindly, it can only be partly right. In times where we act unskillfully, we are still much more than those moments. Perhaps our unfortunate conduct is a result of a negative emotional skill we’ve inherited from our family, or maybe it’s due to a fluctuation in our best energy or health. Even if others criticize something we resonate with (something we recognize needs adjusting) their assessment of us doesn’t fully define us.
We're constantly in a process of improving our skills and expanding our self awareness. We can never be fully defined, even by ourselves, because we're always changing. At times, we may only see our negative qualities, other times we may think that we’re so great that we’re left blind to any improvements we could be making. By reminding ourselves and other people that we can only be party right, we free ourselves from suffering within any inferiority or superiority complexes.
This concept is inspired by one of my favorite teachers, Thich Nhat Hanh.
Looking into Uncomfortable Relationships
Relationships are like mirrors. Through interacting with others, we learn what qualities and behaviors we value and enjoy. Occasionally, we’ll interact with someone who inspires conflicting feelings. Even some of our closest friends may have some habits or values that aren’t in harmony with our own. We can’t control or change other people, so sometimes the best we can do when dealing with frustrating social dynamics is to look into our true feelings about the other person/people and acknowledge the valuable insights we see about ourselves. Clarifying our self-awareness while practicing compassion and acceptance of others will usually strengthen us in uncomfortable moments, but if we still don’t feel better, we can politely redirect our attention away from any situation that doesn’t serve us.
"Everything that irritates us about others can lead to an understanding of ourselves."
- CARL JUNG
The Fourth Mindfulness Training: Loving Speech and Deep Listening
Aware of the suffering caused by unmindful speech and the inability to listen to others, I am committed to cultivating loving speech and compassionate listening in order to relieve suffering and to promote reconciliation and peace in myself and among other people, ethnic and religious groups, and nations. Knowing that words can create happiness or suffering, I am committed to speaking truthfully using words that inspire confidence, joy, and hope. When anger is manifesting in me, I am determined not to speak. I will practice mindful breathing and walking in order to recognize and to look deeply into my anger. I know that the roots of anger can be found in my wrong perceptions and lack of understanding of the suffering in myself and in the other person. I will speak and listen in a way that can help myself and the other person to transform suffering and see the way out of difficult situations. I am determined not to spread news that I do not know to be certain and not to utter words that can cause division or discord. I will practice Right Diligence to nourish my capacity for understanding, love, joy, and inclusiveness, and gradually transform anger, violence, and fear that lie deep in my consciousness.