Rules for Fair Fighting
Relationships require mindfulness. At times, we may find ourselves butting heads with someone in our life. Whether we are disagreeing with a roommate, a romantic partner, a family member, a colleague at work, or a random person in our everyday interactions, we can find better success in communicating our feelings when we follow these Rules for Fair Fighting. It can be especially challenging to communicate clearly when we’re upset, but if we can follow these rules, we’ll find our disagreements to be more manageable. Share these guidelines with anyone who you argue with frequently or simply wish to improve communication with. It can be helpful to print these out and post them in a community area if there is social disharmony.
- Use “I” statements. Avoid saying “You” or “Why” statements so that the other person doesn’t feel the need to explain themselves and become defensive. (“I feel hurt when you do this” vs “You don’t care about hurting my feelings” or “Why would you do something so rude?”)
- Stay in the present moment. Avoid bringing up old issues. (Don’t bring up something they did years ago)
- Don’t generalize or exaggerate. Be specific and avoid saying “always, never, every time, whenever...” (“Last night I felt disrespected” vs “Every time you hang out with your friends you always disrespect me”)
- Take responsibility for yourself, your feelings, your needs, and your wants. (“I need reassurance from my partner” vs just expecting them to do this for you without specifically asking)
- No hitting below the belt. Absolutely no name calling. Avoid triggering issues. (If you know a subject is especially sensitive to another person, don’t bring it up when upset)
- Agree to disagree. Each person’s perspective is valid and real to them, so be sensitive and supportive. (“I hear you and understand you feel that way, but I disagree” vs “That’s a stupid way to feel because that’s not true”
- Don’t leave the room until both have agreed to. If you must leave, tell the other person where you’re going and what time they can expect you to return. Be back by the time you say so the other person doesn’t worry. (“I’m too upset to speak calmly so I’m going to go for a walk. I’ll be back before 8pm”)
- No physical violence.
8 Communication Skills for Relationships (same as above)
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